Tips for Preventing & Resolving Conflicts Effectively from a Couples Therapist in Indianapolis, IN
We have all experienced a conflict with a loved one at some point in time. What if you find yourself in frequent conflict with your partner or spouse? It’s likely to feel stressful and zap your mental energy. Try some of the tips below, and keep in mind that new strategies take time.
Stick with it for a couple of weeks before deciding whether or not a strategy works for you. This gives you time to feel really comfortable using the skill consistently. Consistency is the key to all changes!
Tips on Preventing and Resolving Conflict in Your Relationship
Be in a helpful mindset.
If your emotions are heightened, use coping skills (such as taking a walk, listening to music, taking deep breaths, etc.). Or connect with trusted support before approaching your partner. Discussions are more likely to escalate to conflicts if emotions are high for one or both parties.
Also, conflict resolution is often less about not having problem-solving skills and more about being able to access them in the heat of the moment. You increase your chances of being able to use effective conflict resolution skills you already know by doing what you can to manage heightened emotions.
Assume the best from the other person.
Outside of instances where someone is intentionally acting with hostility or malice. More often than not partners’ words and actions are well-intended. Give them grace and try not to forget that the person you are squabbling with is still the same person you love and care about.
Ask for clarification.
When finding it particularly difficult to assume the best. Or when you are unsure of where your partner is coming from, ASK! So many moments of disconnection and conflicts can be prevented by checking in with your partner. For example, intense emotions can sometimes come across as anger directed towards one partner from another. But that is not always completely accurate. Expressions of fear, anxiety, and passion can be mistaken for anger.
Additionally, anger is often a secondary emotion with other emotions or states being at the root. For example, the real root of “hanger” is hunger, and eating something can completely turn the hangry person’s mood around. Or at least make something that was frustrating them more tolerable. People can also sometimes be inclined to tap into anger when they are upset because feeling angry can feel more empowering than say feeling anxious or sad. This can come up particularly for cisgender men if they have been taught certain emotions are more or less acceptable for them to feel and express. Considering all of this, get curious and make attempts to dig deeper into what your partner is thinking and feeling.
Consider how you may be coming across to your partner.
Just as your partner can make an effort to check in with you and not assume what you are thinking and feeling, it is important for you to recognize how your body language, words, and actions can be taken by your partner.
For example, if your posture is similar to being in a board meeting, your partner may find this cold and off-putting. Although it can be difficult, taking a more relaxed posture can help you be less keyed up, more present, and more open.
Be aware of your and your partner’s triggers and insecurities.
Things like feeling ignored, feeling challenged, and being provided constructive feedback can tap into what is unresolved within us. For example, I am particularly sensitive to my partner not being able to give me his undivided attention. Although that may bother anyone, I have learned this particularly bothers me because both of my parents for different reasons were only so emotionally available to me growing up. In other words, the lack of undivided attention from my partner at times is only a part of the problem.
Through trauma therapy, I have learned to recognize when those unresolved concerns are coming up and strategies to address those concerns. Which is very different than only focusing on resolving the conflict at hand. Relatedly, individual therapy and couples therapy can help with identifying and working through triggers and insecurities as well as supporting your partner with this.
Be mindful of the context for your and your partner’s behavior.
Did you have a bad day or did your partner just finally get a moment to relax? Our moods and recent activities can impact how we are able to respond to conflict. Try to consider this when discussions are starting to, or already have, escalated.
Consider using touch as a way to stay connected during conflict.
As long as domestic violence is not a concern, a simple touch from your partner (such as holding hands or your knees touching while sitting together on the couch) can help ground both of you and help you both remember the bond the two of you have. While being respectful of what each of you is comfortable with, touch can help you feel more supported and less alone with the internal struggles you are trying to express.
There is also more of a sense of being a team and on the same side when there is some level of touch during tough conversations. I have both suggested to clients before and have personally found it helpful, to have difficult conversations while cuddling in bed. I recognize that may sound odd or the opposite of what you want to do during a conflict but be open to trying it. You may be surprised!
Look at each other.
It can be easier to yell and be hurtful when looking at a wall than it is to do so when looking into your loved one’s eyes. A caveat with this one is some people can find looking at their partner during a conflict intimidating, which can result in the person feeling intimidated shutting down, or becoming defensive.
If this is you or your partner, try to at least look in your partner’s general direction as a reminder of your loved one. People can also vary with making eye contact when either speaking or listening. Avoid getting too focused on the number of times you or your partner are looking at each other, and focus more on whether this is happening at all during the conversation.
Take breaks as needed, while also making a point to work towards a resolution.
When having particularly complex arguments, you and your partner may cycle several times through understanding each other more, things being heated again, and feeling reconnected. As a result, some conflicts are not able to be resolved by just one conversation. Furthermore, some people particularly need a break in order to be able to collect themselves and discuss concerns more constructively.
It is important to give each other these opportunities as needed. It is a misconception that taking breaks delays working towards a resolution. It is more likely that taking breaks as needed actually reduces further misunderstandings and hurt feelings. The caveat with taking breaks is you and your partner need to be intentional about returning at some point to the issue at hand so that some sort of resolution or compromise can be achieved.
What’s Next? Find Help With Couples Counseling
Hopefully, you now have more of an understanding of what helps prevent and resolve conflicts effectively. While preventing conflicts is helpful, we also cannot completely avoid them. My hope for you is that you can get to a point where you are confident in your and your partner’s abilities to manage and resolve conflicts, making them less scary. You will still likely find conflicts at times to be uncomfortable, but who better to work through such discomfort with than someone you love and care about?
Ready to Begin Couples Counseling in Indianapolis, IN?
If you find that you need additional support in this area, we’re ready to help you! At Indiana CRC, we can work with you and your partner to improve conflict resolution in order to regain a peaceful and loving relationship. Couples counseling can be a powerful tool to achieve your relationship goals. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us to schedule an appointment for couples counseling.
Begin meeting with one of our skilled couples therapists
Start managing conflicts in your relationship in a healthy way!
Other Services Offered at Indiana Counseling & Resilience Center
At Indiana Counseling & Resilience Center, we want to support our clients with any mental health struggle they may be facing. So, in addition to couples counseling, our team of skilled and caring therapists specializes in trauma & PTSD counseling, anxiety therapy, and EMDR therapy. We offer our services both in-person and online in the state of Indiana. For more about us check out our FAQs!
